Song of Long Ago

As I've begun writing again, after ages and ages of having written nearly nothing, I've noticed this is a difficulty for me. There is an honesty ... a transparency that is required to express yourself even remotely well and I am finding this act of daily writing is contributing largely to my recent awareness of residency within my own skin. Also birthed out of this act I've added to daily life in the past four months is one that I never would have expected. An unusual byproduct to have sprung out of a simple daily writing assignment: I am learning to observe better my engagement with the people around me in addition to noting an increased ability to observe where I have been (or am still!) out of sync.

To understand this previous difficulty with self association and awareness of the external individual it is necessary to understand, in part, how I'd originally formed my childhood self dis-association and lack of awareness of external individuals. Childhood circumstances created in me a need to, upon meeting any individual, read them for two purposes. One: To determine the level of risk they posed to me. and Two: To determine through subtle cues who they were in rank and authority in relationship to me. (which would, in turn, communicate to me how I was to relate to them) While learning to allow Holy God to heal the wounds which necessitated reading others in this fashion was the most painful process of my life, learning to appropriately be in sync with others (or more accurately, FEEL in sync with others, relationally) may be the most drawn out process of my life thus far. To see others as something more than a level of risk. To see others as something more than the rung they are occupying on an authority ladder ... this has taken work. So painful in so many moments as my gut cringes in knots and tears threaten when I find myself knowing I've just done or said something that has indicated to whichever external individual I am faced with that I am not in sync with them, and I am only thinking about myself. The desire to not have this predisposition for only viewing others as their rank and threat or lack thereof, is at it's heart, a desire to be more others oriented than self oriented. A desire to connect in an authentic and mutual way. God and His ways are so wondrous that in a few short years (less time than it took for the wounds to accumulate!) my entire perspective of life and the world around me has shifted. I learned a few years ago, what most fortunate toddlers have opportunity and developmental prowess to achieve: the concept that others exist outside me for the purpose of their own lives and well being ... and the well being of those encompassed within their lives. Their own destinies. Logically, of course, this was something I had awareness of prior to a few years ago! But emotionally, it was not something I had ability to recognize and factor into communications with anyone outside myself. A level of emotional understanding which seems so difficult to explain though there is no internal dispute over the level of depth in this new awareness and positive growth He has won for me!
While writing has magnified the amount of clarity I have in the presence and facets to the personalities of individuals around me, it has also, in the reverse, pushed a confrontation to the very heart of why I had my original version of reality so firmly in place.
God is saying: It is time to come out little one! It is time to walk in new ways! It is a growing and stretching. The past commands that we avoid facing fear even if the price is a measure of spiritual unrest. The past demands we sacrifice the victory of bravery for emotions and secrets kept under lock and key! How many times has the cry echoed from the mouth of His beloved one "FREEDOM!!! Set me free!!!!!" ... and of those countless occasions, how many times did I have comprehension that this cry would mean coming eye to eye with the very actions and emotions that cause the innards of soul to recoil as if from deadly poison! Dear God, grant me bravery! Place a wall of your Holy Fire BEHIND me, that I may not retreat backwards into hiding from these new pathways you have placed before me! Further open up the path before me and grant my heart some rest in the knowledge that in submission, my footprints lie in echo with Yours.

Posted in: on 16.7.07 at at 09:33