Song of Long Ago

Today there was a program: Charlie and Lola. This is an adorable cartoon with two little children. A brother and a sister. In today's episode Lola was experiencing difficulty reading and writing and counting. Having observed her own ineptitude in these areas as compared to her classmates, Lola tells her big brother Charlie she "is not keen to go to school tomorrow". Lola is just a tad insecure, and does not feel it would be well worth the effort to learn and practice these skills. According to Lola, it is quite enough fun to make up stories to match with the illustrations in her story books. It is very entertaining to make different types and sizes of squiggles to imitate writing, and ... as she only ever eats (at the most) 10 biscuits at a time, and only has ten toes, that is the largest number she would ever really need to learn. Charlie then explains to his sister with humoured affection that though it is indeed a bit of work to master the skills in which she is noticing deficiency, that eventually, if she does not give up, she will become good at these skills and the work will have been worth it. Besides ... should someday, in the park, more than ten starving stray puppies find their way to her, wouldn't she want to be able to count how many there were so that she could retrieve the appropriate number of doggy biscuits to distribute? Point taken, Lola works. As she begins to catch on to certain lessons within each larger skill, Lola begins to enjoy herself. She notices it is not taking her as long to get from sounding out the words, to understanding what all those letters add up to. She notices she does not always have to use her fingers (or toes) to count all the time anymore. Lola is enjoying learning.
Sometimes, I think I do not really want to learn more. Though I can recognize there is an infinity of information and wisdom I do not possess, and though I appreciate the fact that there is likely quite a lot of that same information and wisdom I would be better for possessing, sometimes the process involved in obtaining that information and wisdom just seems so terribly long and difficult. Then I begin the process. Once involved in the activity of learning there are, of course, peaks and valleys to the learning curve; but, more importantly the world seems bigger, I feel more solid and competent, I unexpectedly begin to appreciate other people in fresh perspective and I am granted ability to connect with Him in new areas and in previously unknown ways.
Lola reminds me, enjoy the process and know that each large mountain of a lesson in front of me can be crossed, if necessary, by crossing only one grain of dirt at a time.

Posted in: on 27.7.07 at at 15:37 3 comments  

Posted in: on 19.7.07 at at 21:31 0 comments  

Today He asks me "Will you be brave?" Today He asks me "May I grant you hope here and here?" Today He asks me "Will you trust me when I ask you not to worry about something?" Today He asks me "Will step into my security where you feel insecure?" Today He asks me to laugh, admit fault and fear, speak words beyond my own ability, be faithful in the little things, and love. Today He surprises me with an unexpected challenge and an unexpected success. Today was a decidedly good day!

Posted in: on 18.7.07 at at 22:21 4 comments  

As I've begun writing again, after ages and ages of having written nearly nothing, I've noticed this is a difficulty for me. There is an honesty ... a transparency that is required to express yourself even remotely well and I am finding this act of daily writing is contributing largely to my recent awareness of residency within my own skin. Also birthed out of this act I've added to daily life in the past four months is one that I never would have expected. An unusual byproduct to have sprung out of a simple daily writing assignment: I am learning to observe better my engagement with the people around me in addition to noting an increased ability to observe where I have been (or am still!) out of sync.

To understand this previous difficulty with self association and awareness of the external individual it is necessary to understand, in part, how I'd originally formed my childhood self dis-association and lack of awareness of external individuals. Childhood circumstances created in me a need to, upon meeting any individual, read them for two purposes. One: To determine the level of risk they posed to me. and Two: To determine through subtle cues who they were in rank and authority in relationship to me. (which would, in turn, communicate to me how I was to relate to them) While learning to allow Holy God to heal the wounds which necessitated reading others in this fashion was the most painful process of my life, learning to appropriately be in sync with others (or more accurately, FEEL in sync with others, relationally) may be the most drawn out process of my life thus far. To see others as something more than a level of risk. To see others as something more than the rung they are occupying on an authority ladder ... this has taken work. So painful in so many moments as my gut cringes in knots and tears threaten when I find myself knowing I've just done or said something that has indicated to whichever external individual I am faced with that I am not in sync with them, and I am only thinking about myself. The desire to not have this predisposition for only viewing others as their rank and threat or lack thereof, is at it's heart, a desire to be more others oriented than self oriented. A desire to connect in an authentic and mutual way. God and His ways are so wondrous that in a few short years (less time than it took for the wounds to accumulate!) my entire perspective of life and the world around me has shifted. I learned a few years ago, what most fortunate toddlers have opportunity and developmental prowess to achieve: the concept that others exist outside me for the purpose of their own lives and well being ... and the well being of those encompassed within their lives. Their own destinies. Logically, of course, this was something I had awareness of prior to a few years ago! But emotionally, it was not something I had ability to recognize and factor into communications with anyone outside myself. A level of emotional understanding which seems so difficult to explain though there is no internal dispute over the level of depth in this new awareness and positive growth He has won for me!
While writing has magnified the amount of clarity I have in the presence and facets to the personalities of individuals around me, it has also, in the reverse, pushed a confrontation to the very heart of why I had my original version of reality so firmly in place.
God is saying: It is time to come out little one! It is time to walk in new ways! It is a growing and stretching. The past commands that we avoid facing fear even if the price is a measure of spiritual unrest. The past demands we sacrifice the victory of bravery for emotions and secrets kept under lock and key! How many times has the cry echoed from the mouth of His beloved one "FREEDOM!!! Set me free!!!!!" ... and of those countless occasions, how many times did I have comprehension that this cry would mean coming eye to eye with the very actions and emotions that cause the innards of soul to recoil as if from deadly poison! Dear God, grant me bravery! Place a wall of your Holy Fire BEHIND me, that I may not retreat backwards into hiding from these new pathways you have placed before me! Further open up the path before me and grant my heart some rest in the knowledge that in submission, my footprints lie in echo with Yours.

Posted in: on 16.7.07 at at 09:33 1 comments  

I seem to be in a time of grace. Within this time I see actions as not having the immediate consequences which would normally and naturally be incurred. I sense a need to be grateful in and for this grace; However, more so than even a sensed necessity for gratefulness is a sensed absolute necessity to remain accountable for actions and abstain at all costs from taking liberty with this seasonal gift afforded. Soon a month will arrive in which I see actions coming to fruition. (mid September through mid October)
Oh Father let me plant well that my fruit may be wonderfully pleasing to You! To be fortified: Keep watch with Him through the night. Accomplish the good works He brings to mind ... not letting those rich opportunities pass by! I see this seasons' grace allotment contributing towards energy required for these good works and where fatigue would normally ensue there will be strength enough.
Vigilance over crops is needed in this time ... I think of a good farmer. If he wastes a single season of planting, how many years does it take for his profits and energy to be recuperated?
Father, bless me to love! Spring up in my heart forceful urges to take even baby steps in paths leading toward my dreams and destinies! Thank you for this new awareness of actions, movements and reactions in my sphere of existance! I am thankful for your goodness in that this new awareness has brought with it a sense of solidarity in my physical body. An acute and wonderful "present-ness" in experiencing every day as you are choosing to bring it to me.
Cement in the deepest earth of my being full knowledge that I am YOUR investment: and encourage me daily to act accordingly.

Posted in: on 15.7.07 at at 20:27 0 comments  

When our feet touch the ground, a shock wave of gold light is created. It echos out from where our foot has fallen, and within a second away from the spot it's left, the light meshes and slightly illuminates the mix of hues, gray, white, gold, brown and black that comprise the space around our physical form. When I am walking with the dark parts of my soul, the light that has potential to impact footsteps with grace and protection implodes back into me. My wrong footsteps act as a vacuum and the grace and light and covering which normally cushion and protect me travel backward into my body, and instead of walking lightly, my sense is that I am traveling a path through mud. My energy goes quickly and I do not feel "light" ... I feel the mud surrounding and sucking my feet. The mud encourages me to stop. Rest. The mud tells me how difficult this path is and to just give up.
When I am granted eyes to see the positive energy around me I am blessed! I ponder the implications of not just mere footsteps, but prophetic acts. And then if a mere footstep alters the atmosphere, imagine, then one step further than even a prophetic act. Imagine a prophetic act done in tandem, in perfect rhythm, with the Creator.
What is happening in my life? What could be happening if more of my acts and words were not simply within God's will, but in perfect rhythm with His heartbeat?
This is my prayer: That I would move with His rhythm more every day, to enable His light (and therefore, His Glory) to blossom in my life!

Posted in: on 13.7.07 at at 21:00 1 comments  

A simple truth found me today. A truth which, in isolation, is not revelatory, or even unique; But for me, on this day, it soothes with quiet balm the exact raw nerve inside which so needed soothing.

He is our victorious warrior “You’re the one that fights for me! I don’t have to fight anymore Lord! You’re the one that fights for me my faith is rising my faith is rising I can SEE YOU AGAIN LORD!! On the horizon of my life oh Lord! I don’t have to be discouraged anymore!" (Jason Upton)

On many days I am my own warrior and protector, fighting the strains of life in a way that opposes allowing him to be my hero. Today (in moments!) my Spirit has subdued this imperfect area of my soul where I more often attempt to be my own sorry hero! This was, today, my victory. A small one, yes. I think, though, I'm ok with "small". Without recognition of these small victories, whichever current battle I'm facing begins to appear monumental in size and lethargic defeat looks appealing simply because it means there is some form of rest. For this reason, I will accept this small victory, say hooray for it, and be glad in the knowledge that for now I have grace to continue! I don't have to be discouraged about the battle when today, it is enough, this rest in my one small victory.

Posted in: on 10.7.07 at at 22:02 1 comments