Song of Long Ago

A Diversion From the Norm

2008-08-10T17:21:00.000-07:00

I love beef. I craved, with a passion, medium-rare hamburgers all through my pregnancy, LOVE a pink steak with eggs for breakfast, love meatloaf, hamburger helper, beef hotdogs, and, well, you get the idea. Oh, and that commercial where the proud trumpet plays while you watch a montage of all the men standing next to their barbecues? I love that commercial!! I seriously cheer when I see it =) Now that my love for the product has been established ...

So recently I read this book. It was a medical thriller which happened to explain some of the way things work in a meat processing plant. The book was fictional, but the author offers at the end, a suggestion to check out some books from which the inspiration for his story came. Because the gruesomeness of the book had made me nearly swear off hamburger for life, I HAD to investigate the facts. Surely this was hype. Surely the beef industry could not be THAT bad?! Imagine my surprise when I find videotape, scientific reports, and MSNBC in depth and undercover reports validating the attrocities detailed in the fictional book. Originally, when I had set out to read about meat processing, my concern was for my health and the health of my daughter. After watching videotape that is beyond inhumane involving the treatment of ill cows in attempts to get them to pass inspection I am even more averse to the idea of consuming beef. I am not an environmentalist, a veggie lover, a health nut, an environmentalist or an activist by nature. I say this because I think it adds validity to my current concern with ongoing consumption of beef. To explain my concerns I have to get a bit graphic: I apologize!
Here's the story for those who are unaware. E-Coli comes from fecal contamination. People believe it is so rare for beef to contain E-Coli because (I think) the image in most people's mind is that beef would have to have been TOUCHED by human hands with fecal matter on them, or somehow, in some other random form, have been randomly and weirdly contaminated. This was how I imagined beef becoming contaminated by E-Coli anyway. This is not the case. So then, how does fecal matter end up in our hamburgers? For this explaination we have to look at the whole process of beef processing from start to finish. Farmers raise cows for either beef, or dairy. Either way, inevitably desease happens in every farm. When a cow gets sick and gets the runs, it gets too weak to stand up. Then it ends up covered in it's own fecal matter. A man is called to come pick up the "downed" cow. That man is supposed to take the cow to the "rederer". A machine that chops up the cow to feed to other cows. Often that cow, that sick cow, ends up in the meat plant to be turned into ground beef. How? The man that is supposed to take it to the renderer takes it to the plant to make a quick buck. The farmer takes it to the plant quick before it gets any sicker. Surely, you say, this can't be common. No? Then explain the actions of several meat processing plants who have automatic responses to animals that are too weak to stand up. Documented reports and videotapes abound online of more than one plant where the workers shock, shoot, punch, and poke into the eyeball of cows to MAKE them stand up. See, if they can walk INTO the plant, they are "qualified" as "healthy" and can be turned into beef. If it is uncommon for downer cows to be in ground beef, why would the workers have so much common knowledge of how to make the cows stand and walk in to the plant? Let's forget the fact that the link between downer cows and BSE (mad cow desease) is firmly established and focus on the E-Coli for a moment longer. Here, after walking into the plant, the cows are killed and strung up to be skinned then cut. If however, the cow falls down several times, is ill, defacating from it's illness consistently, falling into it's own defacation, the odds of that beef coming through processing with some kind of fecal contamination is exremely high. Even if it's hosed down, what does a brief hosing down do to remove virus infected fecal matter? Let's divert from the sick cows and take a look at the cows that ARE healthy. With the now common practice of using electric shock to get cows into place in the plant, even healthy cows lose control of their bowels. When they're killed, evenentually even those healthy cows can end up laying on the kill room floor in their own fecal matter. We've now established that beef DOES come through with contamination, and while it's not even close to half of the time, it is often enough and disgusting enough, and CONVINCING enough for me to at LEAST rethink my consumption of beef.
People say it's rare for people to catch E-Coli from beef. They say that people have been eating it for years and have never been sick before. Problem is, E-Coli that kills, and mad cow desease are fairly new to our food chain and their presence is not diminishing ... it's GROWING as the beef industries struggle to keep costs down with rising fuel and inflation and SICKER cows because of the feed containing redered diseased beef. People need money more, sick cows are fed to other cows more commonly (it's not against the law?) and more sick cows are sold ... barely passing as "healthy" bovine. More antibiotics are given to prevent sickness and the sickness mutates to a worse sickness. This is why no one caught E-Coli or mad cow before.
I am not saying all people should stop eating whatever it is they want to eat. I am writing this because I read this book, discovered from multiple sources including under cover investigations that there were gruesome and troubling facts behind it, and feel confused and worried about our need as a consumer to defend our choices of consumption above possibility of risk ... and I'm concerned about our assumption that our food will remain healthy and bacteria free. With our country heading into a recession I think we should all be at least somewhat concerned. Food goes through more processing and shipping now than ever before in our history. Add that fact to an equation that involves a recession forcing a need to cut costs and keep that food coming to the consumer and you get a pretty high probability that our food supply is not going to remain as guaranteed safe as we would like to think it is. I know it's been safe for a long time and that the chances of contracting a deadly strain of E-coli, for now, are somewhat rare ... But with the current number of CONFIRMED cases of yearly E-Coli totalling 20,000 people in the US alone I have to ask myself if I want to continue in my assumption that it will never happen to me? I don't intend to become one of those activists around whom all of their friends feel judged for their choices to continue eating whatever they like. Heck, who knows how long even MY self-imposed ban of ground beef will last! I am only suggesting here we investigate and take seriously the possibility that where things were is not where they are, and that we should all seriously consider some type of change in, at least, how we purchase, prepare, or eat our food. If I decide to eat ground beef again, you can be sure I will be twenty times more vigilant about the quality of the beef, where I buy it, and how I cook it. This is, what I would suggest for all who choose to continue their consumption of beef. My hope is that everyone will at least take a look at the facts out there, and then make some kind of informed decision based on something other than what we've heard from the USDA, our friends (me included!) or our personal limited experience. That said, most people I know make sure beef is cooked to a proper internal temperature, and will continue to do so ... it's the one or two accidental contaminents, or "whoops" when it's too rare, treatment of the animals, the gross out factor, and the rising risk of more determined E-Coli that worries me.
This is sad for me ... believe me! **sigh** I do love my beef!

*sources* Robin Cook- Toxin / Fox, Nicols- Spoiled: What is Happening to Our Food Supply and Why We Are Increasingly At Risk / http://www.hsus.org/farm/news/ournews/undercover_investigation.html / http://www.hsus.org/farm/resources/animals/cattle/faq_mad_cow_disease.html / http://www.cnn.com/2008/US/01/30/undercover.slaughter.video/index.html / and more ... just google "downed cows", "downer cows", "bovine cruelty", "contaminated beef", or look up the statistics for E-coli on national public health department website

Letting Go

2008-08-07T01:15:00.000-07:00

Every day, every week, every year we make choices that impact our present and future. Some of the choices we make turn out well, they advance us ... we can see the positive fruit that is a result of those past choices we made. On the other hand, there are the things we decide on, the actions or in-actions which we may regret and wish we had done differently.
Today I feel God has been speaking to me about letting go. I didn't really get it, didn't really listen well till now (1:30 in the morning).
We hear and see the wisdom of letting go all the time! The wisdom on finding a mate is: As soon as you give up the search, that's when you'll find the one! The wisdom on remembering something you can't remember: As soon as you start thinking about something else, the thing you're trying to remember will come back to you! And my favorite: When you have lost something (not just misplaced, but truly LOST lost something) one day, soon after you stop looking, you see the item you were SURE was gone for good. This, however, does not always translate to our more emotional territories!
Years ago there were circumstances in my life which created what I saw as an even bigger "bad" than the bad circumstances. An imperfect blotch in the middle of a specific assignment I had vowed NOT to mess up ... I had it so much more perfectly planned than it was turning out. From that point forward my goal in this assignment shifted from "doing right" to one of "making up for the wrong". Instead of letting go, forgiving myself and turning it over to God, I picked it up, and said "this is MINE, this is the thing I TRULY messed up". The funny thing is, I didn't know I had done this until tonight. Accused and serving a sentence I only saw effects of in my life! As though in prison and musing, "Gee this circumstance stinks. I want OUT" but having no knowledge of how or why I was there.
The second you give up control of something, is one and the same with the second positive change is free to occur. All this time, I've been carrying around this self imposed burden. The fallout is irritation and annoyance at my inability to MAKE things smooth. Loss of patience and frantic attempts at regaining control follow. This is not in every area of my life, just some areas ... and it's been confusing to me. It's been a mystery! "Why God, why HERE in my life do I have this problem???? Not HERE or HERE or even THERE, but only in this one place???? God, why can't this go away??? God why do I continue this????" Seeking Him desperately for answers and healing. I still don't know why it took me years to hear Him on this. Maybe my heart was not right before. Maybe this letting go and forgiving was a process which required my healing in another area before I could release this one. Regardless, tonight I had revelation that has impacted in a way that goes beyond significant. And it's so simple. Just, forgiveness. Forgive myself. Not even for a grievous sin, but for a law I had given myself and then broken ... and then judged myself for breaking.
To choose unforgiveness with myself means I won't let God redeem my circumstance ... and to have hung on to the this unforgiveness, to have let it impact the most positive parts of my life for SO LONG is so sad. I declare, the past is the PAST. We make our choices with the tools, and ability and wisdom we have at the time, and then we move forward. To carry around our decisions with us ... thinking we can "fix" it .... It's coming up against a dead end , running out of fuse, loosing that fingernails grip, every day when one too many straws drops to the camel's back and we find out we can't make it better.
So here's the short of it: Let's find freedom in the fact that our wounding will mess some things up in our lives, nothing will fully turn out the way we hoped or expected it to, the things that are MOST important to get right will suffer failures (at least from time to time), and, in life, we won't be able to make up for or fix the things we've broken. God can, and will if we agree.
All I have to say is, yes.

Eden's New Hair

2008-08-03T20:06:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I know I said I was not going to let her cut her hair again, because it was SO pretty long. But following the massive hair loss in the braiding fiasco her hair was so thin it tangled ten times more than normal and was way more prone to falling out: Thus, the new haircut! Luckily it turned out pretty great, and let's be honest ... Eden is adorable no matter what!

Change Is ...

2008-07-29T21:59:00.000-07:00

A rearranging of matter in the universe to allow space for God's elbows as He rolls up His sleeves. =)

I Love

2008-07-23T23:23:00.000-07:00

Fluffy white towels, creme brulle, 60's folk music, the outdoors, deep worship, laughing, crying, snuggling and the way my daughter's skin smells. Turquoise, the ocean, spy movies, The Message, candles, dark chocolate, coffee, swimming, listening to my baby and quality. Board games, lodges, area rugs, art, unique people, dreaming, large diamonds, books, and the way rain changes a whole day: it's smell, it's color, everything. Vacation, discovering His Love, photographs, the piano, baby animals, beautiful antiques, sand, raspberries, dancing, cinnamon toothpaste and fabric softner.
I felt a need to experience fresh gratitude and joy in these things I love! =)

Choosing Life

2008-02-19T12:20:00.000-08:00

I don't know exactly what this post is going to turn out to be! I only know that I have thoughts swirling in my head regarding our constant process of death to self, and regeneration in Him.
Sometimes that death to self comes in the form of an inward self discovery. He whispers to our Spirit, and we are convicted of injury, illness, lie or sin inside ourselves and are given grace to submit to Him in this area. Somtimes death to self comes in the form of a beating. A circumstance just keeps pounding down on us till we cannot raise ourselves up again in our own strength and it takes His breath of life in that area for us to ever stand again. I believe our greatest times of sanctification ... death to self and regeneration in Him, come when we are faced with this choice: Do things your way, and die, or do things His way, and live. This is the essence of all death to self and yet we are not often so fortunate in our circumstance being this transparent. We all face one death of one kind or another. The question throughout our lives is which kind of death will we choose? To choose the death of the Phoenix seems obviously preferable.
There are moments when my choice between life and death is very vague and cloaked in the gray of my personal thorns, but I long and pray for the days, circumstances and people that provide me the soul altering moments of transparency ... and grant me opportunity to make a choice in the light of His truth ... as opposed to my own.

Satisfaction

2008-01-22T09:25:00.000-08:00

If life ends today, what is my feeling? Thought? What would I regret? I would be dissatisfied! I would want more time, more time to have said mine was a job well done ... rather than just "sometimes ok". I would want to have drawn closer to Him. Been kinder to everyone and less impatient, especially with my daughter. I would want more time to teach my daughter all the things I feel I have not taught her yet, and more time to love her and protect her; For teaching her, loving and protecting her are my greatest joys and my highest honor. I would be quiet more, laugh more and waste less time on meaningless things like television, surfing the internet and worrying. I would want every moment to be directed by Him, and in communion with Him, for only in that way would I have surely lived each moment and day and year to the utmost. Lord, grant me a divine disatisfaction with less than each step being solely directed by you.

New Growth

2007-08-21T22:51:00.000-07:00

At the beginning of the season, I'd planted a variety of herbs and wildflowers around my home. Most of them flourished with, or, occassionally without the benefit of my attention; Some of them died. Today there was a particular section of garden that caught my attention. (I say, "caught my attention", because in the month preceding this post the weeks, days, hours, and minutes have flown by at a pace roughly equivilant to warp speed.) Aside from being taken aback at the apparent amount of observatory negligence I'd been walking in, I was also startled at the amount this particular plant had continued to blossom, well past it's season and despite my recent negligence.
Such occurrences of life should not go unnoticed.
Growth, life, abundance: In the fullness or lack of these things are our seasons and the paths of life marked ... and yet in the making of those paths and indwelling those seasons the magnitude of growth, life and abundance get lost amongst the shuffle and scuffle of circumstance. It is my experience, both recent and long past, that it is when circumstances distract me from the life happening around me that I break down, travel a path off course of intention, or even simply look back on that lost time and wonder to myself "what did I do during that season? I can't quite remember ...".
Life, growth and abundance are happening now. As I type, a sapling I planted in hopes of a tree, comes to mind. I planted weeks ago, and have yet to check it's progress. Where else is life happening without so much as a nod from me?
It is my prayer that my daily focus and personality bent would be life and breath first, circumstances second.

Avoidance vs. Pursuit

2007-08-03T22:40:00.000-07:00

From Les Miserables:
"There is a way of avoiding a man, that resembles a search."
I suspect there are a number of things in my life which I attempt to avoid: Situations, relationships, and mindsets I've learned in rough manner, are not desirable. This brings me to the point of interest. In taking evasive actions in intended avoidance .... those same actions which seem so noble trace a circle directly back to where I began. In the middle of the undesirable.
In telling someone "no" over and over again, we are actually SAYING yes, by not simply acting out our "no". In whining about wanting to eat less, we are whining because we are not being active in our pursuit of the thing we DO want. In these examples and in my experience I believe the key to be the activity. Do my actions rotate around the "no" or the "yes?
I pray the work of my hands and the words of my mouth would not be in avoidance of one thing ... but in constant pursuit of another. That the axis around which my life rotates would be "Yes, Lord."

Fortuitous Lola

2007-07-27T15:37:00.000-07:00

Today there was a program: Charlie and Lola. This is an adorable cartoon with two little children. A brother and a sister. In today's episode Lola was experiencing difficulty reading and writing and counting. Having observed her own ineptitude in these areas as compared to her classmates, Lola tells her big brother Charlie she "is not keen to go to school tomorrow". Lola is just a tad insecure, and does not feel it would be well worth the effort to learn and practice these skills. According to Lola, it is quite enough fun to make up stories to match with the illustrations in her story books. It is very entertaining to make different types and sizes of squiggles to imitate writing, and ... as she only ever eats (at the most) 10 biscuits at a time, and only has ten toes, that is the largest number she would ever really need to learn. Charlie then explains to his sister with humoured affection that though it is indeed a bit of work to master the skills in which she is noticing deficiency, that eventually, if she does not give up, she will become good at these skills and the work will have been worth it. Besides ... should someday, in the park, more than ten starving stray puppies find their way to her, wouldn't she want to be able to count how many there were so that she could retrieve the appropriate number of doggy biscuits to distribute? Point taken, Lola works. As she begins to catch on to certain lessons within each larger skill, Lola begins to enjoy herself. She notices it is not taking her as long to get from sounding out the words, to understanding what all those letters add up to. She notices she does not always have to use her fingers (or toes) to count all the time anymore. Lola is enjoying learning.
Sometimes, I think I do not really want to learn more. Though I can recognize there is an infinity of information and wisdom I do not possess, and though I appreciate the fact that there is likely quite a lot of that same information and wisdom I would be better for possessing, sometimes the process involved in obtaining that information and wisdom just seems so terribly long and difficult. Then I begin the process. Once involved in the activity of learning there are, of course, peaks and valleys to the learning curve; but, more importantly the world seems bigger, I feel more solid and competent, I unexpectedly begin to appreciate other people in fresh perspective and I am granted ability to connect with Him in new areas and in previously unknown ways.
Lola reminds me, enjoy the process and know that each large mountain of a lesson in front of me can be crossed, if necessary, by crossing only one grain of dirt at a time.

Love's flight

2007-07-19T21:31:00.000-07:00

Love found and lost neither falls nor flies by the pull of moon and rotation of planet but rather soars on the hearts and gazes of those lost in rapture of worship. Full and obedient.

Today

2007-07-18T22:21:00.001-07:00

Today He asks me "Will you be brave?" Today He asks me "May I grant you hope here and here?" Today He asks me "Will you trust me when I ask you not to worry about something?" Today He asks me "Will step into my security where you feel insecure?" Today He asks me to laugh, admit fault and fear, speak words beyond my own ability, be faithful in the little things, and love. Today He surprises me with an unexpected challenge and an unexpected success. Today was a decidedly good day!

In My Skin

2007-07-16T09:33:00.000-07:00

As I've begun writing again, after ages and ages of having written nearly nothing, I've noticed this is a difficulty for me. There is an honesty ... a transparency that is required to express yourself even remotely well and I am finding this act of daily writing is contributing largely to my recent awareness of residency within my own skin. Also birthed out of this act I've added to daily life in the past four months is one that I never would have expected. An unusual byproduct to have sprung out of a simple daily writing assignment: I am learning to observe better my engagement with the people around me in addition to noting an increased ability to observe where I have been (or am still!) out of sync.

To understand this previous difficulty with self association and awareness of the external individual it is necessary to understand, in part, how I'd originally formed my childhood self dis-association and lack of awareness of external individuals. Childhood circumstances created in me a need to, upon meeting any individual, read them for two purposes. One: To determine the level of risk they posed to me. and Two: To determine through subtle cues who they were in rank and authority in relationship to me. (which would, in turn, communicate to me how I was to relate to them) While learning to allow Holy God to heal the wounds which necessitated reading others in this fashion was the most painful process of my life, learning to appropriately be in sync with others (or more accurately, FEEL in sync with others, relationally) may be the most drawn out process of my life thus far. To see others as something more than a level of risk. To see others as something more than the rung they are occupying on an authority ladder ... this has taken work. So painful in so many moments as my gut cringes in knots and tears threaten when I find myself knowing I've just done or said something that has indicated to whichever external individual I am faced with that I am not in sync with them, and I am only thinking about myself. The desire to not have this predisposition for only viewing others as their rank and threat or lack thereof, is at it's heart, a desire to be more others oriented than self oriented. A desire to connect in an authentic and mutual way. God and His ways are so wondrous that in a few short years (less time than it took for the wounds to accumulate!) my entire perspective of life and the world around me has shifted. I learned a few years ago, what most fortunate toddlers have opportunity and developmental prowess to achieve: the concept that others exist outside me for the purpose of their own lives and well being ... and the well being of those encompassed within their lives. Their own destinies. Logically, of course, this was something I had awareness of prior to a few years ago! But emotionally, it was not something I had ability to recognize and factor into communications with anyone outside myself. A level of emotional understanding which seems so difficult to explain though there is no internal dispute over the level of depth in this new awareness and positive growth He has won for me!
While writing has magnified the amount of clarity I have in the presence and facets to the personalities of individuals around me, it has also, in the reverse, pushed a confrontation to the very heart of why I had my original version of reality so firmly in place.
God is saying: It is time to come out little one! It is time to walk in new ways! It is a growing and stretching. The past commands that we avoid facing fear even if the price is a measure of spiritual unrest. The past demands we sacrifice the victory of bravery for emotions and secrets kept under lock and key! How many times has the cry echoed from the mouth of His beloved one "FREEDOM!!! Set me free!!!!!" ... and of those countless occasions, how many times did I have comprehension that this cry would mean coming eye to eye with the very actions and emotions that cause the innards of soul to recoil as if from deadly poison! Dear God, grant me bravery! Place a wall of your Holy Fire BEHIND me, that I may not retreat backwards into hiding from these new pathways you have placed before me! Further open up the path before me and grant my heart some rest in the knowledge that in submission, my footprints lie in echo with Yours.

Plant Well

2007-07-15T20:27:00.000-07:00

I seem to be in a time of grace. Within this time I see actions as not having the immediate consequences which would normally and naturally be incurred. I sense a need to be grateful in and for this grace; However, more so than even a sensed necessity for gratefulness is a sensed absolute necessity to remain accountable for actions and abstain at all costs from taking liberty with this seasonal gift afforded. Soon a month will arrive in which I see actions coming to fruition. (mid September through mid October)
Oh Father let me plant well that my fruit may be wonderfully pleasing to You! To be fortified: Keep watch with Him through the night. Accomplish the good works He brings to mind ... not letting those rich opportunities pass by! I see this seasons' grace allotment contributing towards energy required for these good works and where fatigue would normally ensue there will be strength enough.
Vigilance over crops is needed in this time ... I think of a good farmer. If he wastes a single season of planting, how many years does it take for his profits and energy to be recuperated?
Father, bless me to love! Spring up in my heart forceful urges to take even baby steps in paths leading toward my dreams and destinies! Thank you for this new awareness of actions, movements and reactions in my sphere of existance! I am thankful for your goodness in that this new awareness has brought with it a sense of solidarity in my physical body. An acute and wonderful "present-ness" in experiencing every day as you are choosing to bring it to me.
Cement in the deepest earth of my being full knowledge that I am YOUR investment: and encourage me daily to act accordingly.

Increasing Light

2007-07-13T21:00:00.000-07:00

When our feet touch the ground, a shock wave of gold light is created. It echos out from where our foot has fallen, and within a second away from the spot it's left, the light meshes and slightly illuminates the mix of hues, gray, white, gold, brown and black that comprise the space around our physical form. When I am walking with the dark parts of my soul, the light that has potential to impact footsteps with grace and protection implodes back into me. My wrong footsteps act as a vacuum and the grace and light and covering which normally cushion and protect me travel backward into my body, and instead of walking lightly, my sense is that I am traveling a path through mud. My energy goes quickly and I do not feel "light" ... I feel the mud surrounding and sucking my feet. The mud encourages me to stop. Rest. The mud tells me how difficult this path is and to just give up.
When I am granted eyes to see the positive energy around me I am blessed! I ponder the implications of not just mere footsteps, but prophetic acts. And then if a mere footstep alters the atmosphere, imagine, then one step further than even a prophetic act. Imagine a prophetic act done in tandem, in perfect rhythm, with the Creator.
What is happening in my life? What could be happening if more of my acts and words were not simply within God's will, but in perfect rhythm with His heartbeat?
This is my prayer: That I would move with His rhythm more every day, to enable His light (and therefore, His Glory) to blossom in my life!

Small Victory

2007-07-10T22:02:00.000-07:00

A simple truth found me today. A truth which, in isolation, is not revelatory, or even unique; But for me, on this day, it soothes with quiet balm the exact raw nerve inside which so needed soothing.

He is our victorious warrior “You’re the one that fights for me! I don’t have to fight anymore Lord! You’re the one that fights for me my faith is rising my faith is rising I can SEE YOU AGAIN LORD!! On the horizon of my life oh Lord! I don’t have to be discouraged anymore!" (Jason Upton)

On many days I am my own warrior and protector, fighting the strains of life in a way that opposes allowing him to be my hero. Today (in moments!) my Spirit has subdued this imperfect area of my soul where I more often attempt to be my own sorry hero! This was, today, my victory. A small one, yes. I think, though, I'm ok with "small". Without recognition of these small victories, whichever current battle I'm facing begins to appear monumental in size and lethargic defeat looks appealing simply because it means there is some form of rest. For this reason, I will accept this small victory, say hooray for it, and be glad in the knowledge that for now I have grace to continue! I don't have to be discouraged about the battle when today, it is enough, this rest in my one small victory.